two be alive
checkpoint #8
→ quest "reflecting" unlocked
→ energy: △△△
I’ve been writing in my Google Keep notes for about a month. I want to share my thoughts, but I haven’t had the energy to write for others to read. I’m still learning that life passes, and I don’t have to keep up — just live. But things happen, and I feel tired.
I feel lonely. I am not alone. But I feel kinda… empty? Tired?? It’s true that I’m not taking good care of myself. I have to start again. Why did I stop being productive?
Last week I had a chill day on Monday. On Tuesday, I worked and spent time with my brother because he was giving a talk for a class. Then, I tried to help a friend, but she treated me coldly. Wednesday I had class, and on Thursday I thought I had in-training service, but it turns out I didn’t — so I ended up using that day to work on school stuff.
I didn’t write to my friend, and she only reached out because of a school-related question. I won’t spend more time with or for her, since I don’t feel it’s reciprocated. One day, I was going to sit with her, and then she changed to sit with another friend. I went to buy something, and when I came back, there was someone else beside me. I felt kinda betrayed. I don’t expect her to always sit with me, but at least to tell me, explain, or acknowledge me. Not leave me like I don’t matter. But well… there she goes.
Another thing: I started in-training service yesterday. I was doing well, but during the second period, something happened and I couldn’t explain myself to my students. Maybe I was as tired as they were. I told them I made a mistake, and Sandra said I didn’t need to do that. That led them to look for their teacher, discrediting me. I don’t care much about it, but I know it affected me.
I’m still tired, and I’m not sure why. Maybe because of the class, that situation, and my emotions that I have difficulty feeling right now. Today I realized my teacher was distant while giving feedback — never hugged or comforted me. She just left me there. I already passed that class; I just have to finish my planned classes.
I feel betrayed. I need some comfort, probably. Because it feels like people I care about didn’t care about me. Maybe I take it too personally. Maybe I’m just trying to analyze the situation. The loop is over. I’m just tired.
I know I need more human contact.
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